When someone or people depend on you... it really means that they think you can do something that you yourself might not realise yet. For example... I have to memorise something for a Centre Stage production in Singapore. I have to memorise a whole page and well... I really am struggling. I should have practiced more but I just didn't have that passion inside myself for it. Through this, I realised that the people close to you really mean to just help you get through things. They care about as much as you do and just want to best for you...
You know the old saying, "You don't know how much something means to you until you loose it,"... Well... that is how I feel right now. I have not gone and done the auditions yet but... I still feel like I have lost something. I am still going to give it my best shot until then but I have one day left. It will certainly not be enough but I know I can try. I have pressure from school in exams coming up and then other things in my life to worry about. Then... there is this little monologue. At first... I though nothing really of it. I would come up with excuses and just keep procrastinating until today. My mom was talking to me and telling me that I was going to do it and going to go try out. All through the process she was telling me I was going to go... as though there was no other option but to go. Now, she sees that I won't be able to actually memorise it, she tells me that I should not do it. Only after she said not to... I felt a change in the air. I felt a shift into something different inside me. I felt a sense of deep deep sadness and pain in my heart, as though someone I loved passed away. I felt as though things would never heal. I felt as though there was something I had but now was gone forever.
As human beings, we never really do realise what we truly care about until it is gone. I am not trying to give my loving and caring mother a 'bad name' here but she is showing me what I care about. I think she knows that I care very deeply about what she thinks of me and what she expects. I think all parents feel that their child understands and tried to except their expectation level but parents only really see one side of their child. It is hard for them to care so much but let go... A normal child tells their parents only that the feel that they need to know. For me, that is not the case. I tell my mother everything. And I mean EVERYTHING!!! We are extremely close and we know each other very well. Although, there are some things, as a normal teen has, that their parents don't know or need to know. Anyway, my mother and I are very close. We trust and love each other deeply but, nothing is always perfect. About 99% of the time, everything almost is. But, like things like this (miscommunication), something goes slightly wrong. We don't throw fits or slam doors but I mainly keep the feelings of sadness and loss of hope to myself. Usually it is fine but most of the time, it needs to come out and in this kind of form of writing. I trust the readers of my blog and I let them in on things like this. Things that make us human. Things that make us all alike in some way. Feeling defeat and loss of hope is one of them but it does not mean that we should stop caring and trying about something. Even if someone as close to you as a mother or father is, you should never stop trying.
Today, my amazing mother taught me an important lesson folks. She taught me, in a strange and unusual way but nonetheless, taught me something VERY important. No matter what you do, always think about it. Ask yourself how much it means to you, no matter how small or little it seems, it may be important to you when it is gone.
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